I cockslap morals
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
