I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
