PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
