Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
how drunk are you?
Several
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
