I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
her facebook's as public as her vagina
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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