So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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