false alarm. still invincible.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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