soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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