Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just blew my weed a kiss
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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