Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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