I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
