My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
