I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
