I am in a vortex of obligation.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
