she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
