I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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