Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
