Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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