i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
