I am puke
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
