Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
