it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize