my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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