I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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