my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
