I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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