I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between