Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.