oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.