Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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