I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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