watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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