Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I stole a fireplace last night.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
