Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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