so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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