Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
