I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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