i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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