When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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