I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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