I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
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Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
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My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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