I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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