I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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