so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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