I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
