I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
