weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
