do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
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When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
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We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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