Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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