I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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