When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
