you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
