my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
