She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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