Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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