Betty ford says i'm here all night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
